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Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
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Woody Allen
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
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Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
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Woody Allen
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
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Woody Allen
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
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Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
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Woody Allen
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
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Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
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Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
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Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
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Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
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Woody Allen
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
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Woody Allen
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
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Woody Allen
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
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Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
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Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
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